Everything leads to the truth, without it we are just an illusionary concepts wearing expansive wardrobe, driving fast cars and drinking $9 lattes.
Being honest with myself has been absolute transformation. Facing the shadows, reflecting, honoring and letting go. Airing out the musty thoughts and make room for new and better experiences. Every time I made a decision based on fear and some kind of outside validation, I failed myself. This I had to acknowledge.
Recently received an inquiry from a loyal readers of my journals, to write more about love and relationships. I appreciate it when people leave me feedbacks and have interest to collaborate. So here I am willing to open the door of excitement.
Falling for some, some made marks that I had to re-connect with self and re-consider certain patters I might of have been repeating. Simply, falling for bad boys, simply needed to stop! Falling for empty promises, falling for the lust of losing control to just be and "can't stop thinking about you" kind of thing. I was always all in or nothing. So innocent, that I believed all lies. Even after seeing the lies, I would freak out, make drama, have makeup sex and continue to be in the same relationship. Over and over again!
I was 15 years young, when first fell in love. However, I knew I was coming to America and the love duo will have an end. One suitcase with bunch of teddy bears, goodbye letters, tears all packed to bring with me. For about couple years, I continuously received love letters from him. We wrote one another, but he did write way more than me. Moving so far away, lost hope that it could never be the same because of the distance apart. Slowly those beautiful memories and feelings vanished; time heals all. To this day, keeping the love letters safe. Recently when I was in Michigan visiting my parents, I made sure to mail them out to Arizona to use for inspiration for my upcoming Love poetry. Wait till you see what else I have got on my mind...
There is a beautiful quote I often say, " you are far from the eyes, but not from the heart".
You see, I keep asking, why does it hurts so much when you really care and love someone? Why do we keep seeking love from a person that doesn't reciprocate or value our time?
Sometimes, I am hopeless romantic, but most of the days believing that eventually I'll have a companion next to me that deserves me. Not rushing, not searching, and knowing what I want keeps me grounded. This month marks 4 years of being solo. This is the longest I ever been without a partner. I found myself in the most loneliest moments, found courage in the solitude, fell in love with self and the vulnerability I was facing. Dived deep into the creative side of me, where there is no boundaries of explorations in sensuality, compassion and inspiration.
One of the biggest red flags for me now days is, when a guy says something but doesn't deliver or does completely opposite of what he promised. There must be an integrity within. Reading between the lines and just observing, giving the time to get to know someone before jumping into any kind of commitment has given me the strength to say "we simply won't work". There has to be mutual respect, boundaries, understanding and it shouldn't feel like he/she is a burden.
I would say in the past, my relationships were with insecure boys, and maybe I was just an insecure girl to them. But now I know what I want, honoring the experiences and open to build a relationship that is healthy, transparent and full of intimacy.
Much love my dear readers, being honest with yourself is the best pleasure you will receive. You will thank yourself each time for the orgasm.
Blissings and yours truly,
Gasija
Journal 027