Sometimes is better to write about it.

Rainy season in Arizona, loving it. So cozy, hot chocolate and listening to relax deep playlist, sandalwood incense burning, as writing this journal...

Hearing the rain drops, seeing lighting into the horizon, and crispy thundering near by. It's like poetry. The poetry that expand your heart space, touches the softest part of self, in the most gentle way. I went for a walk, which felt amazing on the body.

Mama, 1996, Michigan

It's interesting, about two weeks ago I wrote a journal, having a beautiful conversation with Agnes and discussing how to deal with conflict when it manifests. Yesterday, was a very transformative day for me. I had a challenging conversation, while on the phone with my mama. Some things she said, to reach a point I felt disrespected. I started crying and hung up the line. Screamed with whipping noise, loud cry on the edge of my sleeping bed and saw this intense chest blazing sensation. Felt this heavy energy in my heart that emerged into light, out in space. Saw through my chest the colors of the rainbow. I cried hard core, wrapped in a blanked, and allowed myself to feel every bit of the breakthrough by just let it go. As taking deeper breaths, eyes closed, I forgave my mother fairly quickly in those moments, however, it was time to set some boundaries with her. I allowed three to four hours to pass by before I wrote a respectful message. She didn't apologize, but said everything I wrote was the truth and that she loves me. I moved my body by stretching, took a nap, sat in stillness, did some journaling, and read few pages of a book. I felt this transition physically and emotionally, a sense of freedom from bondage.

It came to me that I was holding on to an aged wound for lifetimes, in which I was not quite aware until now. Perhaps, like a childhood abandonment. Between ages of 11-15. Mama had to move to America, for better future for our family; leaving behind a husband, son and a daughter.

My mama's mother passed away when she was eight years young. Her father remarried fairly quickly, a step-mother that did not accept her. That must be of been very devastating experiencing as a child, feeling abandoned. Where I am going with this story is, unhealed wounds must meet the surface, because when life tends to throw a roadblock once in a while, it is meant to open up the heart space for selflessly. I understand my mother completely, she did not have loving parents, to nurture her beauty and femininity. She grew up too fast. Doing adult responsibilities in childhood. Since I know this story, my perspective is open when I come across to have challanging conversation with her and openess to love her even when she faces darkness. Deep down she is very giving human being, but carries unhealed wounds. There is no space in my heart to be mad at her, however I did set some boundaries and she responded with "hvala(thank you), i will take better care of myself".

How is this showing up right now in my life, is to continue building the strength from within. Why is this showing up in my life right now? Perhaps, I was ready to face the challenge and overcome it fluidly. The last three weeks, I have been feeling little off balance, I knew something was coming at me to transform me, just didn't know what it was. The past version of me would have been madness for days, resentful, judgmental, angry. I will never talk to you, you are this and that. Instead, I choose to be understanding, compassionate, remain calm, respond with integrity, and loving myself; simply be in my own nature of Being. As I continue to be a true believer, the only way to salvation and success in life, is this state of knowledge. Maharishi was a believer of this as it is written in Bhagavad-Gita. Lord Krishna was also teaching this commentary during his lifetime. The life story of Christ Jesus, is very similar. The testimony of Moses. Sveti Sava, the Serbian monk and Prince, was also transmuting, known as an Enlightener. And many other pioneers whom been making changes and continue to do so.

In my current knowing, leading with open heart and don't take life challenges personally are important values to have. Moving with pace and having hard conversations are part of the journey that can brings us closer with people. We all need a helping hand, especially in this current lifetime. To come closer with one another and allow things to become easier and balanced. To let go of perfection and broaden our mindset. To surrender to inner peace and let others know that they are loved.

Much love dear readers, if someone wants to rob your kindness, remember, they are only robbing themselves. So be it, so it is!

Gasija,

Journal 043

#journal #memoir #write #novel #lifestory #challenges #consciousness #transformation #youareloved #poetry #zivotjelep #pisac #draganakrstic